I am afraid to write using my real name because I'm afraid I will upset my natural family.
I am afraid to write using my real name because I'm afraid I will upset my adoptive family.
For someone who gives a lot of lip service to the idea that adoptees have the right to experience and express their thoughts and feelings about adoption, even those which might make their natural and adoptive families uncomfortable, I do an awful lot of making sure I don't openly express thoughts and feelings which might make either of my families uncomfortable.
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This warrior princess is really little more than coward wearing a dime-store crown and hiding behind a plastic sword.
I don't actually know how my family members would react. Maybe they would be supportive, but then again, maybe they'd be hurt. Its impossible to know without risking a negative reaction. It also bears the question, would I stop writing if they asked me to? Truthfully, that's not a position I want to be in because I like writing here, even if I don't do it as often as needed to have a large readership. This is a place where I can work through even my most difficult feelings, without fear of repercussion.
Yet, I also feel bad about letting other adoptees shoulder the burden of publicly fighting for reform and deepening society's understanding of the adoptee experience while I hide behind the anonymity technology offers.
In addition to all of that, there is the very real possibility of being terribly misunderstood by my newly found family, of having them think I'm generally angry, or angry with them, or somehow unstable because I can't rave about the wonders of adoption while my natural parents still want to believe they did the right thing and are just relieved that I had a good, happy, safe upbringing.
I want to speak forthrightly and openly about my life as an adoptee, but then again, I have an awful lot to lose, and I'm just not sure I could bear the possible consequences. Much easier really to just play nice and keep the real feelings a secret, expressing them only as a nameless, faceless blogger.
Besides, it's not as though keeping all this hidden is anything new, is it. After all, I hid the hard things even from myself for most of my life.
Still, it seems unfair that we adoptees seem always keep the needs and comforts of others in the forefronts of our minds, not out of love but out of fear.
It feels wrong to lead a veiled life for fear of what I might lose, but removing the veil is just too threating.