Truth
I am afraid to write using my real name because I'm afraid I will upset my natural family.
Truth
I am afraid to write using my real name because I'm afraid I will upset my adoptive family.
Truth
For someone who gives a lot of lip service to the idea that adoptees have the right to experience and express their thoughts and feelings about adoption, even those which might make their natural and adoptive families uncomfortable, I do an awful lot of making sure I don't openly express thoughts and feelings which might make either of my families uncomfortable.
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This warrior princess is really little more than coward wearing a dime-store crown and hiding behind a plastic sword.
Oh, irony.
I don't actually know how my family members would react. Maybe they would be supportive, but then again, maybe they'd be hurt. Its impossible to know without risking a negative reaction. It also bears the question, would I stop writing if they asked me to? Truthfully, that's not a position I want to be in because I like writing here, even if I don't do it as often as needed to have a large readership. This is a place where I can work through even my most difficult feelings, without fear of repercussion.
Yet, I also feel bad about letting other adoptees shoulder the burden of publicly fighting for reform and deepening society's understanding of the adoptee experience while I hide behind the anonymity technology offers.
In addition to all of that, there is the very real possibility of being terribly misunderstood by my newly found family, of having them think I'm generally angry, or angry with them, or somehow unstable because I can't rave about the wonders of adoption while my natural parents still want to believe they did the right thing and are just relieved that I had a good, happy, safe upbringing.
I want to speak forthrightly and openly about my life as an adoptee, but then again, I have an awful lot to lose, and I'm just not sure I could bear the possible consequences. Much easier really to just play nice and keep the real feelings a secret, expressing them only as a nameless, faceless blogger.
Besides, it's not as though keeping all this hidden is anything new, is it. After all, I hid the hard things even from myself for most of my life.
Still, it seems unfair that we adoptees seem always keep the needs and comforts of others in the forefronts of our minds, not out of love but out of fear.
It feels wrong to lead a veiled life for fear of what I might lose, but removing the veil is just too threating.
Even though I'm coming at this from the "other" side, I get what you are saying. I hide my true identity out of fear also. Fear of my son or his family finding it and being hurt by my writings, thoughts, and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's being cowardly though ~ it's being done out of self-preservation, out of worry for another person's feelings.
Even though writing anonymously, you speak out about your truths ~ and that takes a lot of courage!
I like being anonymous because I can be more direct. Yet even being more direct is stymied because of the fear of hurting either family. That fear is part and parcel of the adoptee identity - we choose to not talk about the hard stuff with our parents because we don't want to hurt them - because they didn't cause the pain and they can't fix the pain so why go there? We choose not to reveal the full depth of how we have felt/feel about being adopted, to our first family because there is nothing they can do now to change the past - never mind the fact that the adoptee would also loose if the past was changed...it's all just to paradoxical to want to even go public on-line for any and all to hear our feelings. My email address identifies who I am, and one on one, I am happy to not be anonymous - on-line - no.
ReplyDeleteThanks so mic for the support and understanding. One thing I love so much about our community is the deep level of understanding and the sense of belonging that comes from it -- it is profound.
ReplyDeleteSusie you're right, it's self-preservation, and I guess given the circumstances that's really nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you for that.
Theadoptedones, you offer great insight. I do feel like its important to speak my truth not only for myself but for the greater good - for the expectant mothers trying to decide what to do, and for the children who can't yet speak up for themselves....and even just for me. I also really enjoy the real-life connections I've made. I've never known such instant friendship. I love these people. : )
I too have asked myself in I would stop writing if my reunited daughter found this blog? Its something I don't want to have to answer. There is also the fact that if I knew she was reading that my writings wouldn't refect me anymore because I eould sugar coat things because my issues are not my daughters to deal with,
ReplyDeleteMeant to say my blog.
ReplyDeleteI completely under stand. I haven't found birth family but I am a pleaser and so not want to hurt no one. It really just kinda ball down to no wanting to be rejected
ReplyDelete