So very many tears.
Today I called a fellow adoptee. After reading some things she had posted on a social networking site, I had the feeling she might need to talk to someone who could understand her pain.
She answered the phone, and the tears flowed almost immediately. The anguish I had felt in her posts was evident as her voice broke with emotion.
It's so simple, really.
She just wants to know who she is.
But of course, it's not so simple. Not for adoptees. Not when our original birth certificates are sealed and hidden from our own eyes. Not when our own government denies us the most basic of civil and human rights.
The archaic laws designed to hide the stigma of our bastard status bind us unfairly and can inflict a torment no one should be forced to endure. My friend spoke today of a recent conversation she had with a person who has access to some of her paperwork. This person was able to read through her file and see the name of my friend's mother, while at the same time lawfully denying my friend that very information. She spoke through sobs as she shared how awful it was that a stranger could see something so intimate and sacred while she herself cannot. I didn't need to work hard to empathise. I'd had the same experience.
I vividly remember speaking with the woman who was to become my "Confidential Intermediary". I remember trembling, asking her, "Can you see her name"?
I remember the woman's casually cheerful reply. "I'm looking at it right now."
That she was soft spoken didn't matter. Neither did it matter that she seemed genuinely kind and even likable. All that mattered in that moment was that she could see my mother's name, and that I could not. That the law would allow a complete stranger to see something so very personal, so very precious, while denying me that same right was unthinkable.
How utterly wrong. How absolutely perverse.
Yet, the travesty of closed records continues. Legislators refuse to uphold the rights adopted adults to obtain the same documents other citizens are able to access with ease.
There is nothing good in this. This is not equality. This is not justice. This is not love. And despite the fact that a plethora of big-name Christian adoption agencies support the continuation of such laws, this is not in any way a reflection of Christ or his heart for adopted individuals.
It's late, and I'm tired. My heart is heavy not only for my hurting friend, but also for the many adoptees I encounter daily who long simply to know their own origins, if only their government would let them.
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I am hurting for your friend, too. I am one of the lucky ones that through a series of flukes (I believe anyway) was able to get my OBC. So incredibly unfair, unjust, inhuman.
ReplyDelete"...unfair,unjust,inhuman..." It really is, isn't it.
DeleteI'm so glad you were able to get your OBC! We must keep pressing on until ALL have access.
Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteI can remember the story of an adoptee who pleaded with the social worker holding her file - "I just want to know who I am, who I look like." The social worker said - you look just like your mother, there's a picture of her in your file.
The legislators? The ones who so graciously allowed us "non-identifying information" in lieu of our birthright? Oh yes - you can know all about your parents - drug use, promiscuity, mental illness, abuse, alcoholism. You just can't know their names. As if that somehow "protects" their privacy.
Thanks Gaye. : )
DeleteYou make an excellent point. It seems much simpler and more ethical to simply allow access to identifying information, and let those involved choose what they wish to share.
This brings back all the feelings I had using the CI system. I cried and begged and pleaded with her after getting a contact veto to share my identity with my mother- even if she wouldn't do the same. I did not want my identity hidden. I did not need those protections.
ReplyDeleteMy mother could have done with the info as she pleased. Burnt it, put it away for later - whatever her desire.
Anonymous, I'm so, so sorry. I think the contact veto is absolute rubbish. Are continuing to try other means to gain information? Does that even seem like a possiblity? It seems so unfair to me to deny a person such basic knowledge of self. No one has the right to relationship I guess, but we sure ought to have the right to information about ourselves.
DeleteI hope too that you're finding support if you need it. I know of a few groups, as I'm sure others do. There are so many people who can understand what you've experienced.
Thanks for sharing part of your story. It's imperative that people understand the realities for adopted individuals. Blessings.
I wanted to leave a comment & say that this post was very moving.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dawn. : )
ReplyDelete